DOLCE

Ok Stupid

You’ll hear girls say time and time again “where do we go to meet guys?” After my big break-up I was asking my best friend Kim (who had a date every weekend for the next 3 months) the same question.

Her answer? Okcupid.

I know what you’re thinking, and I was feeling sketchy about it too. Kim however told me that it was more normal than you’d think and if anything it was a huge ego boost. As I sat there unconvinced, she and her friend Brandon picked a picture of me off of Facebook and started filling out my Okcupid profile.

Eff my life.

Two hours later I had a mailbox full of messages. After going through most that consisted of “hey sexy, how you doin,” I found that there were a couple of decent looking guys that took a wittier approach to messaging me.

The next day Gabanna came over to go to the beach. Knowing I didn’t want to do this “online dating” thing alone I signed her up and convinced her to try it with me.

Here’s some info and tips on online dating:

-          Okcupid is a free website that is very popular amongst people in their 20’s-30’s.

-          Never put any provocative and/or revealing pictures of you on it. It attracts the wrong attention (even the innocent picture of you at the beach).

-          Every other guy on the site has a picture with no shirt on. I don’t get it.

-          There are actually some normal guys on it. It’s very popular in the city because it’s hard to meet new people so they turn to this.

-          A lot of guys use it to get laid. Honestly, it’s gross.

-          I used the “Facebook” test after I decided I would give them a shot, then you get a chance to see if they’re a weirdo. (You’ll notice that the pictures on their Okcupid profile don’t always match the ones they’re tagged in on Facebook.)

The Date.

I agreed to a date with one guy. We talked for a little online and he seemed really cool so I decided to give him a shot.

Meet Mike: 23, a little quirky but liked to party, and lived 10 minutes away.

We met at Chipotle for lunch. After we got our food and sat down at a table he began to talk and talk and talk. How did the guy attempt to swoon me?

“So I saw on your Facebook that your best friend is this girl Gabanna. I’ve seen her on Okcupid before too. It’s funny I messaged her a while ago. We talked for a little bit but then she stopped answering me. I don’t know why. She seemed really cool.”

Really bro? You’re going to talk about my best friend on our date?

Mike really had no filter. After admitting that he stalked my Facebook he also told me that he found the link to my blog. Yup, this blog.

“So I see you write this blog. I like it, you guys are funny. Since you give advice I want your opinion on something. I met this girl a while ago and was supposed to have a date with her a few days ago. That day I didn’t hear from her but figured I’d see her later that night. I was taking her to a really nice restaurant and then she never showed up. She stood me up! I haven’t heard from her since! I want to leave her a voicemail and tell her what she’s missing out on. I mean who does that!? I want to make her feel bad about it.”

You can tell the guy hasn’t dated much.

“I mean that sucks and all but I wouldn’t leave her a 5 minute voicemail about what she’s ‘missing out on.’ If I heard that I’d think 'what a weirdo, glad I didn’t go out on the date.' I’d just text her or forget about it. Shit happens.” Glad to know I was on the date with Mr. Revenge.

“No, I think I’m going to leave her the voicemail.”

After 20 more minutes of him listing off his resume, I told him I was meeting my friends at the mall.

“Oh, I dropped off my car at the gas station for an inspection, mind giving me a ride?” You’ve got to be kidding me. I drove him over and walked him over to the shop to make sure his car was ready. You’d think the guy would’ve walked me back to my car right? Nope. Instead he gave me a hug and as he pulled away he said “I think we’re going to be really good friends. We should all hang out; I’ll bring my friend and you bring Gabanna.”

Let’s just say I never talked to him again. He texted me a few times after the date but I was short and seemed not at all interested in whatever he was saying. I was jealous of the girl who stood him up; she didn’t lose an hour of her day and got a hilarious voicemail to listen to. Damn.

Moral of the Story:

Not too long after the date I deleted my Okcupid account. I had nothing against it but I’d rather meet guys in person. People come off totally different online. If you’re a social person to begin with, date in real life. If you’re secluded and need a little push, try it out. It doesn’t hurt.

GABANNA

Not Okay Cupid!

I enjoy being single as much as the next person. I’m 22 and plan on having as much fun as I possibly can before reality strikes and I’m stuck working the rest of my life to pay off my shopping addiction. Needless to say the summer after graduation Dolce and I took “YOLO” to heart and lived it up; until the day I went over expecting to go to the beach and she had joined an online dating site.

“Kim’s on it and she says it’s really good! I’m just sick of all theses douche-bag guys. If anything it’s an ego boost, everyone keeps saying how hot I am.” Oh Dolce, what am I going to do with you. Naturally my account was already set up for me. Super. We looked over the site and began rating the guys that were on there.

Dolce liked the site (aka the guys) while I was still pretty stand-offish about meeting up with anyone. All of those horror stories about online dating websites having the 50 year old serial killers on it really got to me; thanks Mom.

I would talk to a guy for a little and would then get bored and stop replying. Call me old fashioned, but I’m just not into meeting whoever I want to date online. I’d rather get drunk, make out and then find out that we’re completely perfect for each other. Hey, it could happen!

Of course Dolce wouldn’t hear of me not going out with someone. “You need to be wined and dined!” She kept on trying to convince me to go out with someone and I kept on finding things wrong with them so I wouldn’t have to.  

My Blonde Moment

Dolce and I were supposed to meet Kim out at one of our favorite bars one Friday night. We somehow managed to get into the city early and decided to go to Blockheads for dinner and drinks while we waited for Kim to get out of work. We ordered our first round of margaritas and started talking about our dating lives. I was actually talking to two guys on the site, and told her that one of the guys, Jarett, had asked me to meet him the day before in the city for coffee but that I never answered him. She was yelling at me to give the poor kid a chance when our waiter came over and asked if we wanted another round. Duh. All of the sudden Dolce looked at me.

“I’m wasted.”

“What? You barely had half a margarita! Are you a 13 year old boy?!”

“I’m on antibiotics! Oh my god everything’s spinning you have to drink it!”

So I took one for the team and finished both mine and hers, and was halfway into my third when it happened.

A few tables down from us a group of guys had sat down. Naturally Dolce and I started checking them out, when I made eye contact with one of them. Now I’m no lightweight, but those things are STRONG, and after three we can all assume I was feeling pretty good. (Note: I always think back to this moment and wonder “if I wasn’t drunk, maybe this would never have happened”)

“Dolce!! I think that’s Jarett!!”

“WHAT?! No way!”

Convinced it was him I immediately went on my phone and looked him up. “Is it him?!”

After checking him out and blatantly staring at the guy in the restaurant we decided we should text him to see if he answered, that way we would be able to find out if it was him. Don’t you just love drunk logic? So I texted him.

“Heyy I’m out in the city tonight! Do you want to meet up?” Once it was sent Dolce and I stared at the group of guys to see if his phone would go off. Unfortunately for me, the real Jarett was not at the restaurant with us.(restaurant guy was hotter) He did answer me, and thanks to Dolce stealing my phone he was meeting us out at the bar. I immediately started freaking out and it took another margarita to calm me down enough to leave. Once we arrived at the bar we met up with Kim and explained what was happening to her. We decided that they were going to watch from afar as I met him, and I would signal them if I wanted out. As we were trying to figure out a code I felt a tap on my shoulder.

“Gabanna?” I turned around and looked right at Jarett. He was not what I was expected.

According to Jarett’s profile he was 5’11, built, liked going out and hanging with friends, and lived in the city.

Jarett himself was about 5’6”, thin, liked staying in and lived in Brooklyn. Liar.

He told me that I didn’t look like my pictures (me?! Him!), and asked me if I liked “places like this.” “What, fun places?” I thought as I looked around. Turtle Bay isn’t crazy, but they have good music, cheap drinks and dancing. So yeah, I do like places like this. Deciding that I didn’t like him, I dragged him over to Dolce and Kim and introduced them. While he was chatting up Kim, I grabbed Dolce’s hand and told her I had to go to the bathroom. We practically ran away, leaving poor Kim to talk to Jarett.

Once in the bathroom I went off. “This site is sooo dumb! The kid’s a damn liar! He doesn’t like bars, doesn’t live in the city and he’s SHORT! WTF?!” I continued my drunken rant as Dolce decided that we should text Kim and get away from him. We went back to where we had left them and saw that he was actually really into talking to Kim; meanwhile she was shooting us dagger eyes. Dolce and I snuck past them while Kim told him she had to go to the bathroom. Once she had found us we hid in a corner as he texted me asking where we went. I told him that Dolce got sick and I was helping her in the bathroom and that I was sorry we had to go (not at all).

As my luck would have it, he told me that I seemed like a nice girl but he didn’t think that we were right for one another (duh, you don’t like fun places with good music and dancing, we would never get along.)

The Best Part

 I told him that I agreed and that it was nice meeting him. After he replied with “happy hunting!” I received another text message.

“I know we didn’t get along, but Kim seems really cool and we both have the same major. Do you think I could have her number?”

REALLY?! After nearly dying laughing I showed Kim and she immediately said no. Guess he didn’t really impress any of us. I made up some excuse for her and never heard from him again. 

Moral of the Story

-If he doesn’t like bars that play the Spice Girls, he’s not normal. Run.

-Don’t have 3 margaritas and then scope for guys. Drunk goggles can be a dangerous thing.

-Give someone a chance; even if it doesn’t work out at least you know that you don’t like online dating.

-If he lies on his profile, how can you trust him? Within minutes I knew that I didn’t like him because he wasn’t honest. If you’re really looking for love on a website, the least you can do is be honest.