DOLCE

A "Real" Man

When you think of the word “man” what adjectives come to mind? Strong, masculine, protector, scruffy, rough (ok now it’s getting a little dirty). Nowadays these so-called “men” are getting less like Arnold Schwarzenegger and more like “The Real Housewives of Orange County.”

We all have our types. My type is a guy who likes sports, knows what he’s doing under the hood (of cars…dirty minds), is spontaneous, tries to eat more wings than I can (not boneless, I’m not a little bitch), is not afraid to jump into the ocean in late May with me, and a few tattoos is always a plus. Sounds reasonable right? Guess it’s too much to ask for because this is what I got instead.

Meet Dane: 25, tall, and looked like a “Ken” doll.

Dane worked in the city doing finance. I met him in the city at Santacon while I was dressed as an elf. I guess the costume made quite an impression because he couldn’t wait to take me out the next week.

I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt

We met in the city on Sunday and I dressed a little bit classier this time around. We agreed to meet in Times Square at the Applebees bar. Oddly I was the one that was early (that NEVER happens). While I waited I ordered a beer and watched the Jets game on TV. In the midst of me cursing out the television in walks Dane fashionably late in his white button down shirt, khakis, and leather loafers (dude its Sunday…I debated wearing leggings to meet you and decided jeggings were good).

Since my drink had already been paid for from the creepy 40-year old guy sitting across the bar from me, Dane just ordered his own drink. Conversation got off to a rough start. He knew a little about football but had no interest in staying for the end of the game. As we walked out of the bar the 40- year old creeper whispers to me “He’s a loser you can do better” as he pointed to himself.

Dane really had no interest in sports whatsoever. I thought, “well what are we going to talk about…shoes?”

I spoke too soon.

As we passed by a storefront full of stilettos Dane stopped to look and claimed that he loves shoes. I looked down at my Steve Madden wedges and said, “yea, I’m really into wedges this season.”

The only thing a guy should think of when he hears the word “wedge” is a “wedgie” or a “wedge of cheese," seriously.

“Yea wedges are nice but I like stilettos better; they’re hotter. They make a girls legs look so much longer.”

Oh I’m sorry a girls? Do you want to wear them instead?

I started to get sucked into the conversation, which evolved into bags (he bought his sister one for Christmas), clothes (he owns everything Banana Republic), and sport coats (he wanted to go shopping with me to find a couple that looked good on him).

Runaway Baby

After dinner we ended up in Central Park and sat at a bench by the zoo. After 5 minutes of talking he grabbed my face and pressed his mouth up against mine. Well, at least he was an excellent kisser.

After a decent matter of time of doing that we walked around the park. It was after dusk and the hoodlums were out and about. I noticed a couple of creepers but kept my eyes straight forward and my arm wrapped around Danes. A girl loves when she feels that her guy can protect her. Dane on the other hand turns to me and says “I’m getting really scared; I know you’re wearing heels but we need to get out of here soon or I’m going to start running!” And leave me here? What a gentleman.

“Don’t worry, I know the way out and they won’t touch us, I got you.”

We made our way out unharmed (thanks to me), got into a cab, and headed back to Penn Station? Nope, Grand Central. Yes ladies and gentleman I took his ass back to his train (he lived in CT). As I sat alone on the Subway back to Penn I thought “was that a date?”

I went out with him another time after that but let’s just say I really don’t like dating a guy that knows more about shoes than I do. Turns out the kid and I had clothes and kissing in common but that was pretty much it.

He still continues to text me every 4 days. I guess the “me not responding thing” isn’t a big enough hint.

Moral of the Story:

- If a guy knows more about this season’s trends more than you do, RUN.

- You know when you click with someone…don’t settle.

- Kissing is not a good enough reason to keep seeing someone (I know, I learned that the hard way).

- A guy should be the one fighting off the creepers not leaving you in the dust as he takes off.

- Only a gentleman will walk you to your train. Don’t make my mistake.

GABANNA

Big Red

As all of you (loyal) followers know, I do not like it when a guy asks me for a picture of myself, especially when I have just met that person. I have recently discovered that I also do not like being RECORDED while out having a good time at the bar. So to all you sleeze-balls out there who think that recording your friend while he’s dancing with a girl is funny: you haven’t met me yet.

A few weeks ago I went out to ladies night with Amber, Dana and Dara. While waiting for Dana and Dara to get ready Amber and I decided to pregame with a bottle of wine. Obviously we didn’t intend to kill the whole bottle, but these things happen.

We arrived at the bar at 10pm, just in time for the ladies drink free special. Amber and I were already feeling pretty good, and we stocked up on vodka-sprites and wandered through the two floors saying hi to old friends and hiding from people we used to know in high school (you do it too, don’t judge me).

“Oh my god Gabanna! That’s Nate!” Amber whispered. Nate was one of the guys Amber had been talking to, and it turned out that he had been lying to her the whole time they were talking. Basically, he was a douche. In my drunken state I decided to teach this kid a lesson.

“What a tool! Come on!” I said as I grabbed her hand and started following him. Nate had never met me, and the only way he would know me was if he stalked Amber’s Facebook pictures. As soon as I got close enough I kicked the back of his knee, causing his leg to give out. “RUN!” I yelled and dragged her onto the dance floor.

As we both died laughing at his confusion (we later found out he knew who I was and called Amber out on it, awkwardddd) Dana and Dara found us and we all started dancing. At that point we became surrounded by guys, and I watched as everyone paired off. All of the sudden I felt hands at my hips and a quick glance up told me that he was tall and relatively good-looking. Sold! We dropped it low for a few minutes and I kept hearing his friends, who were just chillen next to us, saying “Yeahhh Big Red!” Convinced that they were just saying it because of his red t-shirt, I thought nothing of it and continued dancing with “Big Red.” All of the sudden he turned me around and began kissing me. We were getting pretty into it when I opened my eyes and saw that one of his friends was pointing his phone at us. I immediately pushed Big Red away from me.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing!?” I screamed. The kid’s jaw dropped as I lunged for his phone.

“I-I was just taking a picture!” He stammered. Clearly I scared him. I decided to use this to my advantage.

“Oh? Get a good shot? Let me see!” I jumped up and tried to grab the phone again. “It’s a video! Delete it now or you won’t be able to have children!”

“I’m sorry I’m sorry!” He told me and Big Red grabbed me from behind and tried kissing me again.

“Nah bro I’m over it.” I pushed him away and went back to the kid who was fumbling with his phone. “Why would you even take a video you creeper?!” I continued cursing him out until he explained that Big Red was really drunk and they wanted to show him who he hooked up with. He also accidentally let it slip that Big Red had a girlfriend.

“Oh, so you were really just trying to blackmail him? What a sweetheart.” I said after going through his phone to make sure the video was gone.

He tried telling me that he wasn’t trying to blackmail him when I decided I no longer cared and started off in search of Amber, Dana and Dara.

“I’m Andrew, by the way. You’re gorgeous and I’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot but do you think I can get your number?” I turned and stared in amazement at this kid.

Really dude? I just made out with your friend! Sloppy seconds much?

He already had his phone out and ready and asked me to type in my name. After debating whether or not to give him Dolce’s number, I decided against it and hit a bunch of random numbers and walked away. I finally found the girls and began telling them what happened when Dana said that our ride was here. We started back toward the front door when Andrew appeared.

“Hey, you hit too many numbers. Give me your phone and I’ll just call myself.” I was speechless as he took my phone out of my hand and called himself. I snatched my phone back but the damage was already done. “I’m texting you now!” he yelled to my back as we sped to the front door.

“What was that about?” Amber asked. I explained what had happened to everyone and when I was done they all agreed that he was a total creeper. Our ride dropped Amber and I off at my house, since she was staying the night. We went inside and heated up some pizza and hung out with my puppy when my phone went off.

“Hey, you make it home okay?”

The creeper had actually texted me! Amber and I decided to ignore it, and two minutes later my phone went off again.

“You were pretty drunk. I’ll let you sober up and I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight :)”

Weirdo.

I woke up the next morning to a text from him and never replied.

Looking back, I probably should have let him keep the picture. He would have been able to see the girl that got away…

Moral of the Story:

-Technology is dangerous. Be afraid. Be veryyyy afraid.

-Be careful if people are taking pictures/videos of you. Once it’s out there, you never know where it will end up.

-If someone wants their friend’s sloppy seconds, it means he is desperate. Avoid them at all costs.

-If a girl doesn’t want to give you her number, why would you fight for it? She’s clearly not into you, and texting her is not going to change that.

-DO NOT RESPOND TO CREEPERS! They will never go away if you do.