DOLCE

The Destroyer

Last week you read about the disaster date on the army base when I was visiting Seth.

I don’t want to drag on Seth’s story anymore then our somewhat relationship was dragged on for so today I’m going to tell you about the rest of my trip down in Georgia. Warning: it’s not pretty.

Before this dinner, which resulted in me dropping some serious cash, things were going well. I got invited to see him get promoted to Sergeant, which was incredible and not as hardcore like they make it seem in the movies. I sat there and acted proud until his boss asked him if  “his wife” would like to take some pictures. No thanks bro.

The next morning he had this “surprise” set up for me for my birthday because it was 3 days away. He amped it up like it was going to be the greatest thing since sliced bread. I had no idea what I was in for but after the news of no military ball I had to be excited for something. That morning I woke up and hopped in his cherry red pick-up truck and off to our secret destination. Scared thinking he was going to make me jump out of a helicopter or something (I was on an army base what else would I think?) resulted into him pulling up to a salon.

“We’re getting couples massages.”

Score. I had a huge grin on my face and grabbed his hand thinking “thank the freaking lord.” That was until…the place was closed.

Turns out the place closed because the one girl that ran the place got poison ivy and shut it down. Why didn’t they get anyone to cover her? Because there were no appointments written down. Oh, and they usually don’t do couples massages. Why do I know this? Because I was on the phone with the owner for a half an hour while Seth bitched that he made the appointment and he better get something free out of this. Yea, I never got that massage.

That night was the dinner he made reservations for, where as you all read from last week, didn’t go too well. But it was the last night and I was determined to have a good time. I was enjoying just being around him but wanted to actually do something. He promised we’d go party in town that night but that we should pregame first in his room. He picked up a bottle of Jager and some Redbull and we headed back to the barracks.

I wanted to have a little too much fun on the last night and decided to make our Jager-bombs a little stronger than usual.

It’s All Fun and Games ‘til Someone gets Hurt.

Seth played the drums for me as I kept feeding us shots. I was finally enjoying myself and thought damn, I’m kind of mad I have to leave in the morning. Seth was rocking out until he decided it was go time.

Go time you ask? He decided to strip down to his “skivvies” and charge at me with his hands up in the air screaming,

“I’M GOING TO DESTROY YOU!”

Normally you think a girl would be turned on by this statement, but me, not so much. Well I’ll tell you what he did destroy that night…the toilet. Yea I really got down and dirty that night. Unfortunately it was because I spent the night cleaning the bathroom, dressing him, and staying up making sure he didn’t puke in his sleep. Romance at its finest.

I couldn’t have got on that plane any faster. When I flew over NYC I thought to myself, I’m never leaving this place ever again.

Back Home.

Two days later it was my birthday. Seth never called. Thankfully JP was around to take me out to the zoo and dinner. Always have a back-up ladies.

So what happened to Seth? Well we talked a little after the trip but when he came home for leave the sweet guy I thought I knew wasn’t there. My friend gave him a nasty look at the bar one night and his friend flipped out starting a fight. When I went over to apologize he told me to “get the eff away you effin c*nt.”

Let’s just say I nearly destroyed his face after that statement.

But in the end he won because he got the ultimate revenge…he deleted me off Facebook. Classy move sir.

Maybe he found out about JP, maybe he found a new girl to wife up, or maybe he was just bi-polar. I don’t know. It's ironic how many things he really did destroy. I still do miss the good times we did have together because all in all he was (at least at first) a great guy…but thank god that’s over.

Moral of the Story:

-     - Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I should’ve known after my first trip down to end what we had but I didn’t. Don’t make my mistake.

-     - Listen to the warning sings. If things aren’t going well, don’t keep trying thinking things will get better.

-    -  Hearing “I’m going to destroy you” is not sexy.

-    -  Have a good ratio of Jager and Redbull when doing Jager-bombs.

-    - You can drive a car or take a train to see a guy…don’t fly.

-    - Always have a back up. (If you’re not in an official relationship, no cheating!)

-    - Never EVER let anyone call you a c*nt or curse at you for that matter. If they do? Don’t let them get away with it. If you don’t speak up it shows they can call you whatever they want. 
      
     Good Luck.

GABANNA

That Party Last Night was Awfully Crazy

Think you can party like a rockstar? Do your parties include swimming in skivvies and vampire bites? Oh no? Then you probably can’t party like a rockstar. Here’s one of our crazier nights from this summer.

One night Dolce got a text from her current hookup JP saying that we should go out with him and some of his friends at the bars by his house. Never one to turn down a good time Dolce and I got ready and headed out to meet up with JP and his friend Robby, who had recently broken up with his boyfriend and apparently was now into me. And no readers, I did not confuse “boyfriend” with “girlfriend.” Robby was bisexual and had just ended a 6 month long relationship with a man and was now convinced that I was the girl for him. I however, was not so sure…but more on that later.

After a few hours of partying at the bars JP told us that he was having an after-party and that we could crash there since his parents weren’t home. With the promises of free beer and snacks we piled into cabs and were on our way.

Upon our arrival at JP’s we found Robby and several others who had gone on ahead already in the pool. Since no one had bathing suits most people had stripped down to their “skivvies” (as our British friends would say) and just jumped right in. Dolce and I looked at each other as JP began pulling at her shirt and Robby started chasing me around the pool trying to get me out of my clothes. I did the most logical thing I could think of and just jumped right in, fully clothed. I popped up out of the water to see JP throwing a skivvy-clad Dolce into the pool as a now skivvy-less Robby practically landed on my head.

Half drowned; I swam through the swarm of people and grabbed a now blue Dolce.

“I’m fr-freezing,” she shivered. “JP get us towels before we die of hypothermia!”

“Ugh,” he grumbled as he walked inside to save us from freezing.

Once we were warmly wrapped in our towels we decided that we were hungry. Since JP and Dolce were kind of dating I took free reign of his refrigerator and helped myself to a carton of ice cream, which Dolce and I went at with some spoons. Really now, who needs bowls? Apparently JP did not appreciate our lack of classiness and took away our carton of ice cream.

“Awww mannnn!”

“Oh shut up,” he said as he walked away.

I turned to Dolce and realized she was half asleep. “I’m tired, let’s go to bed.” We ventured upstairs and found our way into JP’s room. Luckily for us he had a twin bed, but also a trundle that pulled out underneath it. As I started pulling out the bed Dolce began rummaging through his drawers for something to sleep in.

“What the hell are you two doing?” Dolce and I turned and saw JP and Robby staring at us. We were probably a sight, since Dolce was still in her skivvies and I was wrapped in a towel since I had taken off my soaking wet clothes and left them in a pile on the living room floor.

“Getting pajamas, duh.” Dolce said as she put on an oversized t-shirt.

“I need some too!” I cried. Ten seconds later a pair of bathing suit bottoms and a Lifeguard t-shirt was in my lap.

“I’m supposed to sleep in a bathing suit?”

“I wore that t-shirt to the gym today.”

Oh Dolce, you’re so helpful. I clearly didn’t care about wearing the dirty shirt and pulled it on anyway, and after JP finished shaking his head at me he promptly threw me at Robby and slammed the door in my face.

“Snuggles!” Robby yelled and dragged me off to JP’s parents’ room.

As we all know, I love snuggles. With me being the little spoon I tried to fall asleep as Robby began to talk my ear off. We did have a pretty interesting conversation about our lives and families and such, until he told me that he really liked me but felt bad because he was good friends with my ex, Brandon. Now if I had been in the mood to hook-up, this would definitely have killed the moment. I decided that I didn’t want to snuggle anymore and demanded that he go check on Dolce. After a few minutes of me complaining he went and said that she was asleep and JP was gone. I immediately jumped out of the bed as he reached for me and ran down the hall.

“DOLCE!” I yelled as I jumped on her. She groaned and rolled over. Typical Dolce; she’s extremely crabby if you try to wake her up. “Wake upppp I’m not tiredddd I need yo-AHH” I ducked as she tried to swat me away. “Ugh you suck,” I muttered as I walked out of the room and directly into JP.

“What happened to you?!” I demanded as I looked at him. He had a huge bite mark on his face and was bleeding.

“Olive bit me. She does it all the time.” Olive was one of the girls who was at the party when we got there. She apparently had a lot to drink because she had been running around in her barely-there skivvies all night and refused her towel when it was offered to her.

“Is she a vampire?” I asked as I dragged him into the bathroom to help him clean up.

“Apparently.” JP said as Robby came in with blood on his neck. Mental note: stay the hell away from this Olive person.

After getting the boys all cleaned up Robby said he had to go since he had work in the morning. After dodging his attempt at a good-night kiss I was left with JP and two of his friends from the Naval Academy. Once again I decided that I was going to raid his refrigerator and started digging for something to eat besides the nasty packages of frozen vegetables in his freezer. JP tried to tell me that his mom hadn’t gone food shopping and there was nothing good to eat in the house when I screamed.

“PIZZA ROLLS BITCHES!! YESSSSSSS!” I danced around the kitchen holding the box to my chest as the boys stared at me like I was insane. Let’s be honest, with the amount I had drank that night, I probably was. After devouring my precious pizza rolls and seeing that it was now 5am I decided that we should probably go to sleep. I crawled into bed with Dolce and told JP that he could snuggle with his boys in his parent’s bed because I was not staying in there with them. After possibly one of the nastiest looks I have ever received he left and I immediately passed out. What felt like minutes later but was really a few hours I was shaken awake by Dolce.

“Gabanna….why are you in bed with me? Where’s JP?”

“Well good morning to you too. Rude. He’s down the hall.”

“Let’s go jump on him!” Groaning, I allowed her to pull me down the hall and we walked into his parent’s room and saw him and his friend passed out in bed together. After looking at the clock and realizing that it was 9:30 and yelling that we had to get McDonald’s breakfast because it was the only thing to cure our hangovers, JP threw his keys at us and told us to leave him alone but to bring him back a Sausage McMuffin. Looking at each other, we took the keys and headed downstairs. After debating who was the least hung-over, I climbed into the driver’s seat of JP’s car and Dolce pulled out her iPhone to figure out how to get to McDonalds. Unfortunately for us the phone only had about 7% battery left which led to us guessing which direction McDonald’s was in, and we naturally got lost for about 45 minutes. (Okay fine, we weren’t hung-over, we were probably still a little bit tipsy…)

After freaking out that we were going to miss it, we finally saw those beautiful golden arches. Thank god. We placed our order and drove back to JP’s.

“Where the hell have you guys been? McDonalds is 5 minutes away, you’ve been gone for almost an hour.”

“Don’t ask. Here’s your Sausage McMuffin.” Dolce said.

“Where’s the eggs? This is just sausage on an English muffin.”

Dolce and I cracked up that we had screwed up his order as he continued to stare at us like we were insane (apparently it was a trend that night).

Moral of the Story:

-You don’t party like rockstars. We do. #winning.

-Make sure to bring your own snacks; people might not always have pizza rolls

-Charge your phone before going on an adventure; you don’t want to miss McDonald’s breakfast because you got lost

-Always stick with your buddy. They guy might be mad at you for cockblocking, but at least you weren't stuck hanging with his weird friends.