GABANNA

When Meatheads Attack

This is a story about what happened when my friend Amber went out with one of the meatheads from her gym.

She first noticed George smiling at her from across the gym. Not thinking anything of it, she finished her workout and left the gym.

“Hey! Wait up!” She turned around and saw that he had followed her out into the parking lot. Slightly freaked out, she said hey back. He asked her for her number, and she told him that she would take his and text him later (obviously she didn’t). About two weeks later he saw her at the gym and asked what happened. Naturally, she lied and told him that her text messages probably didn’t go through.

George continued asking Amber out to dinner, and she kept making up excuses and blowing him off. He obviously didn’t get the hint.

Finally, Amber caved and agreed to go watch a movie with him at his apartment. She drove over to his house and he met her in the driveway and asked if she wanted to go with him to Stop and Shop. She agreed and got in his car. They arrived at the store and he turned to her and told her “I built this building.”

“What?” she asked, thinking that this kid was nuts.

“I’m a welder, so I drew up the blueprints and I designed this building, so I basically built this building.”

“Oh, that’s cool.”

As they were walking through the store he decided that he needed Chap Stick. Amber watched in amazement as George opened a box, used the Chap Stick, put it in his pocket and walked away. He then told her that he needed to get juice for when his nieces came and they headed over to he juice section. He asked Amber to pick a juice, and she randomly chose one. Deciding he needed to try it first, he opened the container and took a sip. Finding out that he didn’t like it, he replaced the cap on the container and put it back on the shelf. Gross.

Some of the other things Amber found out on their strange trip through Stop and Shop (where they didn’t even buy anything) was that he claimed he was a professional body builder, and a Calvin Klein model. Sure dude, in your dreams.

They finally made it back to his apartment and when they walked inside she immediately noticed a knife on the floor. He picked it up and started showing it to her, as she silently began to wonder if she was going to make it out of his basement apartment alive.

Naturally after he showed her his knife he led her into the bedroom to show off his Tempurpedic mattress, where his television just happened to be playing her favorite movie, Country Strong. Beginning to question his sexuality, she suggested that they go into the living room to watch the movie. As they left the bedroom he yelled, “I have to show you this! It’s my favorite thing!”

You’ll never guess what it was. Okay fine I’ll tell you. It was a big picture book of kittens. No, you didn’t read that wrong. Kittens. George loves them; he even works at an animal shelter taking care of animals, including tarantulas and monkeys. Clearly kittens were his favorite, and he told her that he was thinking of adopting one. 

Amber was now convinced that this kid was bi-polar and started fearing for her life. “Oh my gosh I totally forgot to text my friend Samantha to tell her I was here! I’d better let her know I’m alive. You haven’t killed anyone right?” she asked jokingly.

She looked over to see him looking at her with a strange look on his face. “Not with a gun,” he said.

“Wait…what!?” Amber practically shrieked.

“Well, I used to deal so I guess I kind of killed someone. But don’t worry, I never did a drug or had a drop of alcohol, I swear.”

Officially freaked out at this point, Amber made a plan to get out of there. She started telling him that she was tired and had an early day tomorrow (while silently praying he wasn’t going to try to make her stay). He immediately became a gentleman and walked her to the car and told her to text him later…She obviously didn’t.

However, she did tell me that she was thinking of going out with him again, because she was intrigued by him. Dolce and I immediately yelled at her and told her that she couldn’t since he killed someone. “Not with a gun!” Ohhh Amberrrrr.

What you should have learned:

- Don’t go to a creeper’s basement without telling your friends first.

-If he has a knife just chillen on his floor, get the fuck out of that house.

-If you find a meathead that likes kittens, be afraid, be veryyyyy afraid.

-Never be okay with a five finger discount

-Don’t make excuses, just make a quick getaway.

DOLCE

Don’t Wife me Up

This story is mostly for the dudes out there that read this blog. Want to know what you’re doing wrong? Don’t want to freak out your new girl? Take notes, this guy is a good example.

Remember Seth? He’s in a previous story where Gabanna slapped him across the face (obviously foreshadowing). Basically I met him through mutual friends; he’s nerdy-cute with tattoos, and in the army. All caught up?

After my break-up with Ryan, Seth and I began to talk a lot more.

- We texted back and forth every day.

- He would send me songs that he thought I’d like.

- Left inside jokes we had on my Facebook wall.

- Would watch my favorite TV shows so we could talk it about it the next day.

- Ask to Skype me so he could see my face.

Everytime I thought about him I couldn’t help but smile. It sucked that he was in the army but it was so comforting to have a guy that didn’t give me a headache every 5 seconds. Gabanna still wasn’t fooled by his charm and convinced me I was still single and should continue to date around. I took her up on the advice and started to live the single life. I continued to talk to Seth but was also talking to a few other guys because he was so far away.

Seth and I had “the talk” about how we couldn’t make things official due to the distance, but as soon as he became aware that I was dating around he started to become more possessive. 


Here’s some examples of what he did:

- Referred to me as “boo”

- Would text Gabanna saying she should be jealous that him and I were talking even though she would be sitting right next to me.

- Would start commenting on a lot of my posts/pictures on Facebook that didn’t concern him.

- Told me that his “favorite thing to do” was go through Gabanna’s old photo albums from years ago and look at pictures of me. (Really guys? Even if you do do this, don’t tell us, it’s creepy.)

- Made me watch the movie “She’s out of my League” and said it was just like him and I.

- Would ask me who certain guys were in pictures with me and told me he didn’t like to “share me…winky face.”

- Carried a picture of me on him. He said he wanted to show all his army friends who he was talking to…he said I was a celebrity there.

- Told me he was lucky to meet me when I was going through my break-up otherwise I would never have given him a shot.

I brushed the weird signs aside and thought, “Wow, this guy really likes me.” I didn’t think the things he was doing was that creepy, but when I started to share this info with Gabanna she told me “this kid is effin nuts.” I shook my head and ignored her advice because I thought what he was doing was sweet.

The trip.

Seth finally decided he couldn’t take the cyber talk any longer and wanted to fly me down to Georgia to see him. He knew I didn’t have the cash for the trip so he agreed to pay for the airfare and I agreed that I’d pay for what we did down there.  What I thought was going to be a cheap flight turned out to be over $700. I mean, I agree I’m a pretty cool person, but $700 on a first date? A little much.

A month later I landed in sunny Georgia and Seth picked me up in his shiny new pick-up truck. He charmed me right away by taking my suitcase and opening doors for me. I told Gabanna I was fine but she continued to text me every hour asking me “still alive?”

The first night was a little odd. He was such a gentleman and didn’t try to make me feel uncomfortable. Finally when he kissed me he said, “I’ve been waiting to do this all night and I don’t kiss anyone, so this means a lot.” It was all too cute until he stated, “you’re just so hott, I can’t believe this is happening.” Believe me, we like the compliments but don’t freak us out. That was a little too much.

I woke up the next morning at 5 am to his alarm going off. He got dressed up in his camo, kissed me on the forehead, and went off to work. Regardless of all the odd things I thought, hmm…maybe I could get used to this. I spent the rest of the trip getting to see the lifestyle he lives. He took me to meet the dog he takes care of, he showed me all his family photos, took me to the shops, and we hung out at the barracks watching movies and talking. One night he took me to his co-workers house for a BBQ. We got there and all the guys that he worked with were there with their wives. Being the social butterfly that I am, I sat right down with the wives and started a conversation. They were fascinating, brave women that were all in their mid 20’s like me. However, they were also mothers and had husbands that are leaving them for Afghanistan. Two hours later I realized I was having a conversation about stretch marks, hoarding, and Dora the Explorer. WHAT?! They began to ask me when I was thinking of moving there. I finally had to come to the realization that I was actually thinking about this.

As the night came to an end I said my goodbyes and headed back to the barracks with Seth. I sat there thinking “what the hell am I doing? Do I really want this?” Seth turned to me and thanked me for being so awesome with the wives and said, “I wanted you to meet them and see what their lives are like. See through all the bullshit…see if you can handle it.” Shit.

It was my last night in Georgia and I was so confused about what I wanted. He kissed me and said goodnight and as I lay there next to him I had the sudden impulse to tell him how I felt. I tuned over and said “Seth, I think I’m kind of falling for you.” He looked at me and then said “you know I’m leaving for Afghanistan eventually.” I shook my head and then watched him turn over and put his back to me. I was infuriated. After all the conversations, the “I don’t like to shares,” the wives, and everything else we had been through!

The next morning he apologized. I got on the plane home and cried my eyes out the entire time. I told myself he was done and I would never put my guard down for another guy. I got a text from him when I landed. It consisted of a huge apology saying he was wrong, he’s an idiot, and his feelings are there. Even though I was reading all the words I wanted to hear the previous night, I booked myself 3 dates for the following week with guys I had put off.

Moral of the Story:

- Listen to your best friend. You may not see the red flags that they do.

- Don’t put your guard down so quickly. You are extremely vulnerable when you get out of a previous relationship.

- Don’t creep us out guys…Keep some things to yourself.
- Don't wife us up. Have "the talk" about making things exclusive and then stick with it.
- Taking a plane to see a boy is a little much (esp for a first date).

- Be careful with what you say, but don’t regret not speaking up.