DOLCE

You Look Old Enough to be my Father

Age is just a number right? Yes and no. I keep my options open but I'm not looking to date someone that could've been my babysitter.

Thursday nights over the summer meant going to the beach bar for dancing and drinks with the girls. Besides the line to get in the place and the disgusting amount of guidos, it was a fun time. My girls and I love to dance. Dom Mazzetti is 100% right in his video "Dom Vs Drunk Girls" when he says "I'm trying to get my grind on because I don't want to look gay, but all they wanted to do was dance with each other." As much as we LOVE to dance on you guys that have no rhythm whatsoever and get a little too excited (if you know what I mean) when we drop it low...we'd rather dance with each other. Not to sound cocky but I know how to "drop it like its hott" and I've only found a select few guys that can keep up.

A few beers and a couple of "I'm not dancing with you's" later, I started to get a little fed up. Not only do these guidos surround you while fist pumping, but they don't take no for an answer. This one guy could've taken an eye out with his hair. He was about 3 inches shorter than me and his hair looked like Sonic the Hedgehog. The wrinkles on his face didn't make him anymore attractive. Too many hours in the tanning bed bro?

He really tried to lay on the moves and impress his friends but I obviously wasn't going to let that happen.

"Hey baby, let's dance and then I'll buy you a drink."
"No, I'm good."
"Come on honey, I can show you a good time."

"Really, no thanks."
"Come on baby!"

"Not only do I not want to dance with you, but you look old enough to be my father."

That killed his ego. Not only did my friends get a kick out of my diss but even his friends laughed. The cutest one of the bunch even came up and shook my hand. Score.

Meet Cam: he was 27, a contractor, and very, very good-looking.

He instantly offered to buy me a drink, saying I got his friend good because he just turned 34. Cam said he was 27, lived on his own, and was high up in his company. After some small talk I decided to give the kid a chance and dance with him. To my surprise he knew what he was doing and even snuck a kiss…or five...but who's counting?

 Small talk turned into more drinks, exchanging numbers, and a plan for a dinner date that weekend. As the night drew to dawn I gave my new crush a kiss goodbye and went to go hunt down the girls.

The next morning I woke up to a "good morning" text and we talked back and forth the whole day confirming the details for our date on Sunday. He was consistent with his cute text messages and wanted to get together before our dinner date. Since he was so persistent I thought I'd add him on Facebook.

Let's be real. We live in the 21st century and we all feel the need to stalk. Facebook is a fun and easy way to see how our so-called "friends" (when we haven't talked to most of them since high school) live their lives at every second. We think we know them so well because of this constant need to read our news-feed and look through their photo albums of them drunk that past weekend.

However, it's a great way to see how normal people are. Since I was a little tipsy last time Cam and I met, I thought it would be smart to see if we had any friends in common. Turns out one of my best friends older sister was our only connection.

Liar Liar Pants on Fire.
I sent a text to my friend letting her know I had a hot date with her sister’s friend. To my surprise I got a phone call 20 minutes later.

"Hey Dolce it's Maria. My sis told me you hooked up with Cam. That's so funny! We dated back in High School and used to sneak around.”

“Hahaha that’s crazy!”
“I know! We hooked up when I was a freshman, and I would sneak out of my house and he would pick me up.”

“Wait…what? Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but usually you don’t have a license as a freshman.”

“He was a senior.”

“Wait WHAT?!”

“You know he’s 31 right?”
"31!? He said he was 27! Are you sure?"
"Yeah, he's older than me! He lied? Busted!"

Busted was right. I guess my "you look old enough to be my father" comment didn't only scare his friend. It's one thing if he's older, but I don't like liars. So after he added me back on Facebook I took action.

"Hey so we're officially Facebook friends. You know Maria?"
"Yeah, I think we went to high school together."
"Oh really? I'm best friends with her younger sister."
“Yea I think she’s younger than me. Small world.”

“Younger than you? She’s 28. I thought you said you were 27.”

A few minutes passed by.

"I know, I'm sorry. I lied. I'm 29."
"29? You sure?”

A few more minutes...

"Alright I’m 31. I'm so sorry; I didn't mean to lie to you. You're just so beautiful and interesting and I was convinced you wouldn't give me a chance."
"I know I was harsh to your friend but you didn't have to lie...twice."
"I guess our date is out of the question then huh?"
"I'm going to have to think about it."

As apologetic as he was via text I was pretty turned off. Sure I have my blonde moments, but I'm not a fool (you really think you would’ve got away with that one bro?). He was 10 years older than me. At 31 most people know their biological clock is ticking and I was not ready to be wifed up (or just a booty call). I ended up going on a date that weekend...but it wasn't with him.

My advice.
- Don't lie. You will always get caught (especially when we have things like Facebook).
- Age is just a number but it's good to have an ideal limit in your head. If you're looking for anything serious you want someone that is on your level. When hanging out with their group of friends you don't want to feel out of the loop (or like jail-bait).
- Be ballsy. I had no problem telling off Cam's friend. Next time a guido is bothering you at the bar, have some fun telling him to eff off.

DOLCE

Reality is a Slap in the Face...Literally.

We are backtracking all the way back to April 2011.
 
Gabanna and I were hanging out at our college house when I got a text about partying in the city the next night for a friend's birthday. Knowing we had to waitress that same night we did the right thing by giving away our shifts and going straight to the mall to find something hott to wear. Can you blame us?

We pregamed on the bus down to the city and stumbled downtown to our friends penthouse to drop our stuff before heading to the bar. The bar wasn't your average city club, but it only took 20 minutes until they threw us on top of the bar to dance. Still with Ryan at the time I had my doubts and decided to take a break from the drama and enjoy my night. To help distract me from my troubles a guy I met the previous weekend, Seth, was there.

Meet Seth. He was 23, in the army, and a good dancer.

We met the previous weekend when he was visiting mutual friends at my school. He wasn’t exactly my type and I referred to him as “nerdy-cute” with tattoos. Knowing he was only home on leave for a little while longer and that nothing would happen, I thought why not flirt it up and support the troops.

Being a dancer myself I am honestly shocked when a guy can follow my lead, and boy did he have some moves. He may have been a bit nerdy but when he spun me around he instantly got bumped up to sexy. There was no doubt that we had crazy chemistry but I didn't get too wrapped up in the moment knowing my boyfriend wouldn't be too thrilled. Gabanna on the other hand saw things a little differently through her drunk goggles while she was dancing on top of the bar.

Out of nowhere I was grabbed from behind and pulled towards the bathroom. Without getting a chance to tell Seth I'll be right back Gabanna walked me past the bathroom attendant and into a stall with her. Still blushing, I looked at her confused. Her eyes were glassed over and she looked angry...this can't be good. I got the brunt of the anger when she wound up and slapped me hard across the face.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!!"
"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID!"

And then she wound up and slapped me again across the face. What a sweetheart.

"STOP SLAPPING ME! WHAT THE HELL DID I DO!?"
"I SAW YOU! YOU MADE OUT WITH HIM!"
"NO ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?! Gabanna I'm with Ryan!  I would NEVER do that!! Not to mention he knows I have a boyfriend and hasn't tried anything all night!!"
"But I saw a blonde girl wearing black making out with this guy!"
"Yea, and do you know how many blonde girls at this bar are drunk making out!? I'm one of like 30 blondes here and this one was not doing any of that! Seriously!"

My face was beet red and I was not happy. I decided I had enough of a beating for one night and ran out to find Seth. Unfortunately, Gabanna was right there behind me.

He must have forgot he met her the previous weekend and introduced himself (even though we were all in the same bar for the past 4 hours).

"Hey I'm Seth."
"I KNOW WHO YOU ARE."

And then Gabanna did what she does best and slapped him point blank across the face. Joy.

He didn't take it too well. In a state of shock he flipped out and got into a cab. Maybe I should have called it a night and forgotten about the army boy right then and there...but that would be too easy. So I texted him and convinced him my best friend was nuts and to come back to the penthouse to hang out with us. He agreed and took the cab downtown. Nervous Gabanna was capable of slapping the shit out of people I told him it would be wise to hide out near the apartment until we made it upstairs. The army must have trained him how to hide (because he hid down in the bushes) but not how to protect himself from girls.

Gabanna stumbled in and collapsed onto the couch. I laid down on the couch next to her pretending to sleep until she passed the eff out. Within 5 minutes she was out cold and my other friends snuck Seth up into the apartment. We hung out in the other room and I was happy that he got to see that my friend was the only crazy one. As the sun began to rise we said our goodnights and I went back to my couch next to Gabanna.

The next morning you could cut the tension with a knife. I was praying Gabanna blacked out and would be nice to Seth. Thankfully she kept her mouth shut and we walked him back to Penn Station on our way to Port Authority. As we dropped him off he gave me a hug and told me to keep in touch. Knowing I'd probably never see the kid ever again I told him good luck with life and we parted ways... Looking back now I should have just left it at that, but when I got a text the next morning from him I couldn't stop smiling.

The whole experience was painful in two ways:
1. The slaps
2. It made me realize that I could have feelings for someone else.

I felt so guilty because I had a boyfriend, yet I was enjoying the fact that I had butterflies for someone else. If you can have feelings for someone else then open your eyes and see that there's a chance you’re not as happy in your relationship as you think you are. It's not fair to the other person in your relationship if your feelings aren't loyal. Just think how you would feel if you found out they were crushing hard on the girl next door?

If you're in this situation you need to do the right thing. There was a lot of turmoil in my relationship already and Seth was just another reason why I needed to get the hell out of there. In her drunken state Gabanna was trying to be a good friend and the slap was just what I needed.

Reality is a slap in the face and as much as it hurts at first, your face will heal and so will your heart.

GABANNA

If We Don’t Answer…Just Give Up


Alright guys, listen up. You know how if someone texts you and you don’t respond, it generally means you don’t want to talk to them? Well, here’s a little secret: we do the same thing.

Girls (just like guys) sometimes talk to people out of boredom. For example, if I am waiting for my friends to find me and you approach me, chances are I will talk to you. Now, if you somehow convince my slightly intoxicated self to give you my number, kudos! You’ve just taken advantage of a drunk girl waiting for her friends. Now, here’s the important part: if we do not answer your messages, it means we DO NOT want to talk to you. So, if I do not answer your first 3 texts messages saying “hey baby girl, where did you go?” do you think you should call me? No, you should not.

Scenario: Halloween. Atlantic City.

Started the night with Everclear (you can imagine the state I was in after that and bottle service for four hours). Dolce and I met a few friends and hit up a club, VIP status of course. We drank and danced and had a good time, and naturally we all separated to do our own thing. Around 4 am I realize that no one is in our VIP section and everyone’s stuff is gone.  After circling the bar and not finding anyone, I decided to leave and check the casino. After quickly looking around I realized my friends were not there and was approached by a guy that I had been talking to while I was inside before (he will later be added to my contacts as “really tall man from AC”).

He asks what I was doing and I slur “have you seen my best friend?!”  He suggested trying to go back inside to look for them, but the bouncer tells us that we aren’t allowed back in because it’s closing time. Now remember, I have simply enlisted this kind gentleman to help me find my friend. When we are denied entry into the bar, he quickly grabs my hand, leads me to a slot machine, and sits me down on his lap. He somehow convinces me to give him my number, and starts telling me about the party back in his room and how I should go, to which I slur back “maybeeeee.” He keeps telling me about the awesomeness that will ensue and compliments about how beautiful I am, yada yada yada. Meanwhile, I am texting all of my friends demanding to know where they are and to come save me. FINALLY I see one of my friends come out of the club. I quickly turn to my new friend and say “kthanksbyeeeee” and prance away to meet my savior.

Now, you would think with me not telling my new friend that I was coming, and practically running away from him he wouldn’t text me. No, that was not the case. My phone kept blowing up with texts along the lines of “Yo baby girl where’d you go?” and “Yo you coming over? You can bring yo girls, I got friends.” Dude, take a hint. I’m not interested. I’m too busy having a ridiculous adventure getting back to my hotel. He, however, does not stop. SIX MISSED PHONE CALLS. Six! Really?! I’m not answering because I don’t want to. 

So my darling readers: if you text someone, and they do not answer, do not continue texting them. Yes, they could be busy, but if they want to talk to you, they will respond eventually.

Oh, and my dear friend still graces me with text messages of “hey beautiful” every few weeks. Props for trying, but seriously dude, go find someone else.

GABANNA

Don’t Get Ahead with the Boss’ Son

 Over the summer I had a job at a fancy seafood place. I didn’t really like working there, but one of the guys was pretty cool, or so I thought. His name was Geoff, and he was also the owner’s son. He immediately asked me if I wanted to go on a “booze cruise” later that night with a bunch of co-workers; I said yes (I mean really, who doesn’t want to get drunk on a boat?)

So I went, and had a pretty good time. Throughout the rest of the summer I got offers for more cruises but I declined. Right before summer ended Geoff started texting me: “we’ve barely hung out, I’m leaving in a week, let’s go out on the boat.” After 4 days of dodging him I finally agreed, thinking that it would be a group activity again. Boy was I wrong.

I had work at 3 so we met up at 1, me figuring it would be a quick hang out sesh, (and I could complain that I had to be at work so I wouldn’t have to be there any longer than I had to.)

 I get to the docks and it’s just me and him.

“Where’s Joe and Kev?”

“Uhhh they’re at the gym.” Yeah, sure they are.

“So it’s just us?”

“Yep.” Very suspicious. So we get on the boat and start going. About 2 minutes into it I realize he was hitting on me. He asked me to jump into the water, which I said no to because I didn’t have a bathing suit. While I watched him swim around I realized I was in trouble. He climbed back on the boat and we laid out on the bow and talked for a while. He kept inching closer and closer and moving his hand on top of mine.

Now remember, I’m stuck in the middle of the Bay with him. So I finally jump up and say it’s probably time for me to go to work. He goes to start the boat and tells me “it needs a few minutes to cool down.” Meanwhile, we had been drifting along for almost 2 hours. Now I’m no expert on boats, but I was completely positive that he was lying to me. And he was. Next thing I know he’s got his tongue in my mouth saying, “don’t you want to mess around before work?” No, not really dude. Does that line really work?  He may be the boss’ son, but I’m not trying to get a raise out of you or your dick.

So I just kind of pushed him away and said, “we really need to go.” (Dramatic sigh on his part) We barely spoke all the way back and I practically ran to my car getting away from him.

Oh, and did I mention he lived above the restaurant? He hung around for most of my shift, and near the end of it he came over asking if I wanted to hang out when I was done. I quickly made up some excuse and told him “maybe tomorrow.” Yeah, right. He kept texting me the rest of the weekend and visiting me during my shifts until he left for school. I refused to be alone with him again. Just because he kidnapped me did not mean that he was going to be able to trick me again.

When asking someone to hang out:

-Make your details clear. Don’t expect that a girl is always interested just because she wants to hang out. If I had known it would have been the two of us, I probably wouldn’t have gone.

-I didn’t want to say no when he came on to me because it would have made work slightly awkward. Truthfully, I probably would have gotten less wet if I had just jumped in the water and swam to shore.