Not Okay Cupid!
I enjoy being single as much as the next person. I’m 22 and plan
on having as much fun as I possibly can before reality strikes and I’m stuck
working the rest of my life to pay off my shopping addiction. Needless to say
the summer after graduation Dolce and I took “YOLO” to heart and lived it up;
until the day I went over expecting to go to the beach and she had joined an
online dating site.
“Kim’s on it and she says it’s really good! I’m just sick of all
theses douche-bag guys. If anything it’s an ego boost, everyone keeps saying
how hot I am.” Oh Dolce, what am I going to do with you. Naturally my account
was already set up for me. Super. We looked over the site and began rating the
guys that were on there.
Dolce liked the site (aka the guys) while I was still
pretty stand-offish about meeting up with anyone. All of those horror stories
about online dating websites having the 50 year old serial killers on it really
got to me; thanks Mom.
I would talk to a guy for a little and would then get bored and
stop replying. Call me old fashioned, but I’m just not into meeting whoever I
want to date online. I’d rather get drunk, make out and then find out that
we’re completely perfect for each other. Hey, it could happen!
Of course Dolce wouldn’t hear of me not going out with someone.
“You need to be wined and dined!” She kept on trying to convince me to go out
with someone and I kept on finding things wrong with them so I wouldn’t have
to.
My Blonde Moment
Dolce and I were supposed to meet Kim out at one of our favorite
bars one Friday night. We somehow managed to get into the city early and
decided to go to Blockheads for dinner and drinks while we waited for Kim to
get out of work. We ordered our first round of margaritas and started talking
about our dating lives. I was actually talking to two guys on the site, and
told her that one of the guys, Jarett, had asked me to meet him the day before
in the city for coffee but that I never answered him. She was yelling at me to
give the poor kid a chance when our waiter came over and asked if we wanted
another round. Duh. All of the sudden Dolce looked at me.
“I’m wasted.”
“What? You barely had half a margarita! Are you a 13 year old
boy?!”
“I’m on antibiotics! Oh my god everything’s spinning you have to
drink it!”
So I took one for the team and finished both mine and hers, and
was halfway into my third when it happened.
A few tables down from us a group of guys had sat down. Naturally
Dolce and I started checking them out, when I made eye contact with one of
them. Now I’m no lightweight, but those things are STRONG, and after three we
can all assume I was feeling pretty good. (Note: I always think back to this
moment and wonder “if I wasn’t drunk, maybe this would never have happened”)
“Dolce!! I think that’s Jarett!!”
“WHAT?! No way!”
Convinced it was him I immediately went on my phone and looked him
up. “Is it him?!”
After checking him out and blatantly staring at the guy in the
restaurant we decided we should text him to see if he answered, that way we
would be able to find out if it was him. Don’t you just love drunk logic? So I
texted him.
“Heyy I’m out in the city tonight! Do you want to meet up?” Once
it was sent Dolce and I stared at the group of guys to see if his phone would
go off. Unfortunately for me, the real Jarett was not at the restaurant with
us.(restaurant guy was hotter) He did answer me, and thanks to Dolce stealing
my phone he was meeting us out at the bar. I immediately started freaking out
and it took another margarita to calm me down enough to leave. Once we arrived
at the bar we met up with Kim and explained what was happening to her. We decided
that they were going to watch from afar as I met him, and I would signal them
if I wanted out. As we were trying to figure out a code I felt a tap on my
shoulder.
“Gabanna?” I turned around and looked right at Jarett. He was not
what I was expected.
According to Jarett’s profile he was 5’11, built, liked going out
and hanging with friends, and lived in the city.
Jarett himself was about 5’6”, thin, liked staying in and lived in
Brooklyn. Liar.
He told me that I didn’t look like my pictures (me?! Him!), and
asked me if I liked “places like this.” “What, fun places?” I thought as I
looked around. Turtle Bay isn’t crazy, but they have good music, cheap drinks
and dancing. So yeah, I do like places like this. Deciding that I didn’t like
him, I dragged him over to Dolce and Kim and introduced them. While he was
chatting up Kim, I grabbed Dolce’s hand and told her I had to go to the
bathroom. We practically ran away, leaving poor Kim to talk to Jarett.
Once in the bathroom I went off. “This site is sooo dumb! The
kid’s a damn liar! He doesn’t like bars, doesn’t live in the city and he’s
SHORT! WTF?!” I continued my drunken rant as Dolce decided that we should text
Kim and get away from him. We went back to where we had left them and saw that
he was actually really into talking to Kim; meanwhile she was shooting us
dagger eyes. Dolce and I snuck past them while Kim told him she had to go to
the bathroom. Once she had found us we hid in a corner as he texted me asking
where we went. I told him that Dolce got sick and I was helping her in the
bathroom and that I was sorry we had to go (not at all).
As my luck would have it, he told me that I seemed like a nice
girl but he didn’t think that we were right for one another (duh, you don’t
like fun places with good music and dancing, we would never get along.)
The Best Part
I told him that I agreed and that it was nice meeting him.
After he replied with “happy hunting!” I received another text message.
“I know we didn’t get along, but Kim seems really cool and we both
have the same major. Do you think I could have her number?”
REALLY?! After nearly dying laughing I showed Kim and she
immediately said no. Guess he didn’t really impress any of us. I made up some
excuse for her and never heard from him again.
Moral of the Story
-If he doesn’t like bars that play the Spice Girls, he’s not
normal. Run.
-Don’t have 3 margaritas and then scope for guys. Drunk goggles can
be a dangerous thing.
-Give someone a chance; even if it doesn’t work out at least you
know that you don’t like online dating.
-If he lies on his profile, how can you trust him? Within minutes
I knew that I didn’t like him because he wasn’t honest. If you’re really
looking for love on a website, the least you can do is be honest.
