DOLCE

Sucker Punch

Want to know if your guys a keeper? See if he’ll stay even in the stickiest situations.

I met JP over the summer and I kept him around as my escape from army boy, Seth (and we all know how that ended).  JP was fun but not what you’d call “boyfriend material.”

Seth didn’t do anything special for my birthday while I was down visiting him in Georgia. I was bummed out until I got the most exciting news from JP…we were going to the zoo.

Gabanna and I packed up our bags (knowing the essentials to be smuggled into the Naval Academy) and jumped in the car. We always had a good time with JP and Jeremy, and a double date to the zoo was the best way to celebrate my birthday. That was until Jeremy bailed out. Turns out studying for finals is more important than seeing lions, tigers, and bears OH MY! He seriously had his priorities out of whack.

Gabanna and I packed a flask and JP drove us to the animal kingdom.

“Are you guys seriously pre-gaming for the zoo?” JP questioned.

“Oh no! Well maybe…ok yes, yes we are.” I mean it was my birthday, cut me some slack.

It was if we were 3 five year olds seeing a polar bear for the first time. We missed out on seeing the tigers but we managed to cover most of the zoo in 2 hours and soaked up every second of it.

JP had the rest of the day planned out. After the zoo he took us to a sushi place knowing my love of raw fish and saki bombs. Then we went to the park where we insisted to be pushed on the swings. Lastly, we ended up at the marina to watch the sunset over the water. It was a perfect day with my two favorite people. However, the night was just beginning.

Fight Night.

While Jeremy and JP were playing flag football, Gabanna and I decided to scope out our next victims while killing an entire bottle of sweet tea vodka. Damn that stuff goes down fast. When JP found us we were in no condition to go out but he didn’t care. We were going to the bar and he wasn’t taking no for an answer. Five minutes later we were piled in his friend’s truck on our way to “dollar beer night," joy.

I enjoyed my dollar beer with the guys while Gabanna was getting friendly with the other guys at the opposite side of the bar. 

We aren’t rude girls. If a guy offers to buy us a drink and we accept, we will hold a good 5-minute conversation with them before we lose interest and walk away. You got to be polite and let the guy talk himself up for 5 minutes. You're accepting the drink, it's the least you can do. What’s more important: losing 5 minutes or losing $5?

Well Gabanna followed the rule and after 5 minutes she came back to our table before we decided to make a break for the bathroom. After we re-applied lip-gloss and tried to stand up straight we opened the door and nearly got punched in the face. It was like a scene out of “The Outsiders.” The greasers and the socials were in a full out brawl and our guys (the socials) didn’t stand a chance. The bartender leaped across the bar trying to pry the greasers off of JP while screaming “girls, get out now! Run!”

Gabanna bolted for the door but I decided to take one for the team and grab all of the guys stuff and a few napkins on my way out of the warzone. As soon as JP and friends escaped I blotted their faces and handed them their hat and jackets.

“Dolce, this isn’t our stuff!”

“Wait, if it’s not yours it must be…”

“Go! Go! Go!”

The greasers came running out of the bar in rage. They must have realized the blonde klepto took all of their stuff...hey, it was by accident.

I naturally got thrown into the trunk of the Ford Explorer as Gabanna and the 5 other guys piled into the getaway car. As we peeled out of the parking lot I waved “bye-bye” watching the greasers chase after the car for a good 2 minutes. At least I got a cool hat out of it.

Wait, What Happened?!

Turns out after Gabanna made friendly conversation with the greasers, they somehow thought that we were “their girls” and didn’t want any competition with the guys we ACTUALLY showed up with. I honestly think they just wanted to fight someone and our preppy guys didn’t look hard to knock out. I don’t blame them.

JP didn’t talk to me the rest of the night. I never thought I could have so much room on a twin size mattress with a 6’ 2” guy next to me.

The next morning JP went on for 10 minutes about this so claimed “bruise” on his face (there was nothing there) and how everyone is going to notice. He didn’t find it funny when I offered to give him my concealer. I said I was sorry but he thought the whole brawl was intentional. Yea bro, you gave me a great birthday and as a thank you I got you punched in the face. Really? Intentional?!

Gabanna and I felt more awkward this time around leaving the Naval Academy than the time we walked in on formation in oversized t-shirts during a fire drill. JP and I ended things after that. Turns out he couldn’t take a punch.

Moral of the Story:

- Don’t judge a guy off one date. Yes the day was planned out perfectly but as soon as night rolled around things got dark, literally.

- Gabanna and I were in no shape or form to go out after the flag football game but JP’s selfishness didn’t care.

- If a guy can’t stand up for you and take a hit, he’s not worth it.

- If a guy gets his ass kicked, he might as well own up to it. JP decided to bitch and blame it on me.

- When you do get your ass kicked, don’t cry about it. It was embarrassing watching it, don’t make it worse by complaining about it.