GABANNA

When Meatheads Attack

This is a story about what happened when my friend Amber went out with one of the meatheads from her gym.

She first noticed George smiling at her from across the gym. Not thinking anything of it, she finished her workout and left the gym.

“Hey! Wait up!” She turned around and saw that he had followed her out into the parking lot. Slightly freaked out, she said hey back. He asked her for her number, and she told him that she would take his and text him later (obviously she didn’t). About two weeks later he saw her at the gym and asked what happened. Naturally, she lied and told him that her text messages probably didn’t go through.

George continued asking Amber out to dinner, and she kept making up excuses and blowing him off. He obviously didn’t get the hint.

Finally, Amber caved and agreed to go watch a movie with him at his apartment. She drove over to his house and he met her in the driveway and asked if she wanted to go with him to Stop and Shop. She agreed and got in his car. They arrived at the store and he turned to her and told her “I built this building.”

“What?” she asked, thinking that this kid was nuts.

“I’m a welder, so I drew up the blueprints and I designed this building, so I basically built this building.”

“Oh, that’s cool.”

As they were walking through the store he decided that he needed Chap Stick. Amber watched in amazement as George opened a box, used the Chap Stick, put it in his pocket and walked away. He then told her that he needed to get juice for when his nieces came and they headed over to he juice section. He asked Amber to pick a juice, and she randomly chose one. Deciding he needed to try it first, he opened the container and took a sip. Finding out that he didn’t like it, he replaced the cap on the container and put it back on the shelf. Gross.

Some of the other things Amber found out on their strange trip through Stop and Shop (where they didn’t even buy anything) was that he claimed he was a professional body builder, and a Calvin Klein model. Sure dude, in your dreams.

They finally made it back to his apartment and when they walked inside she immediately noticed a knife on the floor. He picked it up and started showing it to her, as she silently began to wonder if she was going to make it out of his basement apartment alive.

Naturally after he showed her his knife he led her into the bedroom to show off his Tempurpedic mattress, where his television just happened to be playing her favorite movie, Country Strong. Beginning to question his sexuality, she suggested that they go into the living room to watch the movie. As they left the bedroom he yelled, “I have to show you this! It’s my favorite thing!”

You’ll never guess what it was. Okay fine I’ll tell you. It was a big picture book of kittens. No, you didn’t read that wrong. Kittens. George loves them; he even works at an animal shelter taking care of animals, including tarantulas and monkeys. Clearly kittens were his favorite, and he told her that he was thinking of adopting one. 

Amber was now convinced that this kid was bi-polar and started fearing for her life. “Oh my gosh I totally forgot to text my friend Samantha to tell her I was here! I’d better let her know I’m alive. You haven’t killed anyone right?” she asked jokingly.

She looked over to see him looking at her with a strange look on his face. “Not with a gun,” he said.

“Wait…what!?” Amber practically shrieked.

“Well, I used to deal so I guess I kind of killed someone. But don’t worry, I never did a drug or had a drop of alcohol, I swear.”

Officially freaked out at this point, Amber made a plan to get out of there. She started telling him that she was tired and had an early day tomorrow (while silently praying he wasn’t going to try to make her stay). He immediately became a gentleman and walked her to the car and told her to text him later…She obviously didn’t.

However, she did tell me that she was thinking of going out with him again, because she was intrigued by him. Dolce and I immediately yelled at her and told her that she couldn’t since he killed someone. “Not with a gun!” Ohhh Amberrrrr.

What you should have learned:

- Don’t go to a creeper’s basement without telling your friends first.

-If he has a knife just chillen on his floor, get the fuck out of that house.

-If you find a meathead that likes kittens, be afraid, be veryyyyy afraid.

-Never be okay with a five finger discount

-Don’t make excuses, just make a quick getaway.