DOLCE 

Ex Coming Back to Haunt You?

So I got a request for this week’s blog from a reader.

“When you moved on from a past relationship first, but they found someone else first…even if that someone else is a downgrade.”

What an appropriate topic for Valentine’s Day week. To my lovely reader: I feel you. I’m actually going through the same situation now. Here’s my story. 

You all remember the ex of 5 years, Ryan, right? After breaking up with him I promised myself I would try to move on. I loved him too much to be in one of those “on again--off again” relationships. Not only are they stupid, but all it does is create more drama when they find out you went home with that guy from the bar in your “grey period.” The only way you’re going to move on is if you cut all ties and end it for good.  You made that decision to break up with them…so stick with it.

I did just that. He thought I’d try to patch things up but instead I landed a great job, made new friends, went out on dates, and started to love my life. That was until I got the news: “Ryan got a new girlfriend.” (And not to be a bitch but this girl was a downgrade.) She was one of those trashy Long Island girls. You know, sat in the tanning bed a little too long, wardrobe looks as if it was from the store 5-7-9, and thought her bleached hair could pull off the Snooki poof. Nice try sweetheart. (Sorry sometimes a gal needs to vent...and give you a visual.)

But seriously, take the downgrade as a compliment. They lost you and they have to take what’s left (slim-pickings). 

Back to our story…

They supposedly met through mutual friends. Since they both dropped out of college they got jobs together at Costco stores #winning. I had no reason to be jealous but my wandering mind was making things worse. So I did something that you SHOULD NOT DO. I contacted him. The friendly “how’s life?” conversation turned dark.

I was shocked to hear what I found out. It's not my place to go into detail but here's some of what he said:

- He’s still heartbroken from our break-up

- He's not as happy as I think he is

- He said that I was completely over-thinking things between them

- He thought I moved on so this is what he thought he should do

Hearing what I thought would make me feel better didn’t at all. It made me hurt inside hearing how upset he still was. He insisted that we should get together and talk things out and try to be friends. I stupidly invited him to join me and my friends at our weekly “ladies night” spot. Things were a little awkward at first but we started to talk, catch up, and crack some jokes. It was all fun and games until dum dum dum the girlfriend showed up. She was aware that he was out with his cousin but wasn’t told where they were going or that I was there. The girl must have figured I was out with them and cyber stalked his cousin until she figured out where we were and showed up. Creepy much?

He admitted it was psycho for her to show up like that, but guess what…he’s still with her. It‘s not always the point of the relationship, it’s the fact. Whether or not he’s actually happy with this new girl doesn’t matter. Just seeing them together made me sick and I had to leave. As much as I think I moved on, I’m still not there yet.

If it bothers you that they met someone else, you’re not fully over it. It’s not smart to be friends with an ex because you need time to heal. Maybe years down the road when you both have a stable significant other then yes…but why rush it now? You broke up with them for a reason so have faith in yourself that you made the right decision. People tend to forget that the problems that were once there don’t just disappear. People don’t change overnight. 

Moral of the story:

-It was comforting to here that he wasn’t “in love,” but trying to move on because he thought I did. A lot of exes will do just that. Let’s be honest, most of you have done or will do the same. We rebound and we rebound so we can move on. But at the same time you are only going to move on if you stop thinking of it as a competition.

-Why try racing to the finish line? What are we rushing so fast to anyway? Stop stressing and concentrate on what makes YOU happy. Honestly, your ex’s new girlfriend/boyfriend will never be you. Most importantly, the way your ex feels about them will never compare to the feelings they once had for you.

-Yes, you may feel worse right now then you did in your relationship…but if that means dealing with the pain now to be so much happier later on, do you take the risk? Yes. Believe in yourself. It’s going to just take time, dating around, good friends, and a couple of “ladies nights” at the bar to get you over this. Good luck.